Look what I caught in my fishnets.

It took a lot of courage, but I showed Nexus the porn I've been watching.  It may seem curious to some why it would take courage to show their lover what gets them off, but for me I suffer from all sorts of shame issues.  Not only would this be revealing to him that I wanked, but also that I was wanking to she-male and transsexual porn.  If someone else told me they were wanking to it, I'd have zero problem; no judgement.  Rules I apply to myself are very different for some reason.

I grew up in a household where sex was taboo.  If I got caught, or was under suspicion of having engaged in sexual activity, I would get attacked, both physically and psychologically by my Dad.  What I didn't realize until quite recently was the impact this has had on my sexual maturity and understanding.

The good news is, Nexus is so open-minded and patient, also a fucking pervert :D  His encouragement for me to enjoy what makes me happy and turned on is so amazing, yet scary too.  I find myself questioning whether he means it, or if he'll suddenly think I'm repulsive for my kinks and desires.

Last night as I led Nexus to my saved porn links, I felt myself trembling inside.  He was so sweet and gentle, also a little excited to see what had brought his Deviant Doll to cum on her own.

We had been fooling around when I had suggested watching, so we were already frisky.  As we were watching he was on top of me, kissing and caressing me.  We were so close, and not just physically.  I could feel his love for me.  As he slowly fucked me, his eyes were locked on me, and I asked him to please watch the porn because I really wanted him to see.  I was so wet, ridiculously so.

It was evident that we both enjoyed what we were looking at.

I felt happy and empowered.  He hadn't mocked me at all.  In fact, he seemed almost proud of me for taking the chance that I did to enjoy myself, and then share it with him.

We fucked long and hard, and ever so intimately.  I squirted and gushed to the point where we were both drenched and spatters of my juices were going everywhere.  I was a happy kitten.

When my legs were up bookending his head, my fishnets were flapping away on my left foot.  They were distracting me, and then attracting me.  I started to fantasize about taking the legs of them and stretching them around his neck, thus binding my ankle to his throat.  Alas, we switched to me on top, and I thought I'd lost my moment.  I was so disappointed in myself for not going with my impulse.

It's like I couldn't help myself.  My hips grinding away, his cock hard inside me, and our eyes locked, I reached down and pulled the fishnets off of my left foot and brought them up in to my right hand.  Feeling very determined, and like Nexus pointed out afterwards, almost in a trance-like state, I kept fucking him, and wrapped my fishnets around his throat.  With my right hand I gathered my courage, strength and fishnets and pulled hard.  His facial expression changed.  I wasn't sure what that look was, but I continued.  Pull, then release, just like he does to me when he's got his hands around my throat.  I felt different.  Stronger maybe.

We came simultaneously, and hard!  It was beautiful.

I've felt strange ever since though.  Almost like a different person.  I keep surprising myself with my own thoughts and desires, and it's very strange to surprise yourself.  I hope I can keep up with following what makes me feel good, and also that Nexus likes it too.  I read something the other day that made so much sense to me:  "Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to."

Onwards and upwards.

<3  Deviant Doll